My BPD Blog
I've been wanting to write a new blog post for a few weeks, but haven't been able to find a 'hook' that will let me get started. My writing output is intermittent because I generally only write when I get angry, or have had an insight of some sort. Even then, I have to get … Continue reading Validation, Perception, Interpretation, Binary Thinking, and the Weedy Garden
It has been nearly a week since my last therapy session. It was a particularly enlightening session, and I had so much to write about, but a combination of being busy and a reluctance (manifested in procrastination) to actually sit down and write has led me to this frustrating situation where I've forgotten most of … Continue reading Patience, Juggling, and Other People: Therapy Diary for October 30, 2019
How much of the trouble inside my head is caused — or at least made worse — by bad habits? My reflexive reactions to things like perceived slights or simple frustrations get blown up into fantastical threats. I think that it is time to revisit my DBT Handbook and the DBT cards. Now that I … Continue reading Subvert the Dysfunction: Therapy Diary for September 7, 2019
Learning how to change myself is not just a matter of having a realization. It is also a case of deconstructing my existing reaction patterns and gradually replacing them with more-functional patterns. During today's session, it occurred to me that my brittle reaction patterns may be based on fear. In turn, this defensive posture creates … Continue reading Deck Chairs on the Titanic — Therapy Diary for September 5, 2019 (Part Two)
(from a stream of consciousness moment during Thursday's session) Words to describe how I often react to the world: Brittle Inflexible Fragile Unachievable Unrealistic Hollow Inhuman (inhumane?) expectations Unfair to myself and others MaskMannequinFrameworks that everything must fit within.MatricesDefensive Words to describe how I'd prefer reacting: Organic Flowing Like bamboo Growing
During my last couple of therapy sessions, we've been discussing my problems with anger, and as a sub theme, my problems with traffic (historically, road rage has been my biggest, most 'reliable' anger trigger). I'd had some minor insights into possible roots of my frustration and rage, and the discussion wandered back to one of … Continue reading The Butterfly
[ Content Warning: This therapy diary entry references bullying and suicidal ideation. ] Once upon a time, many years ago, a boy was born. In most ways, this was entirely unremarkable. Boys are born all the time, and the boy’s family wasn’t unusual. It was a large family, but families were larger back then than … Continue reading The Butterfly and Me
[ Content Warning: This story references bullying and suicidal ideation. ] Once upon a time, many years ago, a boy was born. In most ways, this was entirely unremarkable. Boys are born all the time, and the boy’s family wasn’t unusual. It was a large family, but families were larger back then than they tend … Continue reading The Boy, the Man, and the Butterfly (a story)
Note: My therapist has been trying to get me to just sit with powerful emotions I'm feeling... stay with it as long as I can. Observe without making a judgement. I think that this is to move me away from automatic coping behaviors & start desensitizing me to the worst of them, without invalidating myself … Continue reading Therapy Journal – March 25
After last week's therapy session, I found myself stuck on an idea: That I don't, in fact, have BPD, but am just a self-indulgent, overgrown child. The 'evidence' that I compiled in support of this hypothesis includes: When I'm feeling down I will do things like eating sweets to the point of being ill. I … Continue reading I think there’s a frightened kid living in my head.