(from a stream of consciousness moment during Thursday's session) Words to describe how I often react to the world: Brittle Inflexible Fragile Unachievable Unrealistic Hollow Inhuman (inhumane?) expectations Unfair to myself and others MaskMannequinFrameworks that everything must fit within.MatricesDefensive Words to describe how I'd prefer reacting: Organic Flowing Like bamboo Growing
During my last couple of therapy sessions, we've been discussing my problems with anger, and as a sub theme, my problems with traffic (historically, road rage has been my biggest, most 'reliable' anger trigger). I'd had some minor insights into possible roots of my frustration and rage, and the discussion wandered back to one of … Continue reading The Butterfly
[ Content Warning: This therapy diary entry references bullying and suicidal ideation. ] Once upon a time, many years ago, a boy was born. In most ways, this was entirely unremarkable. Boys are born all the time, and the boy’s family wasn’t unusual. It was a large family, but families were larger back then than … Continue reading The Butterfly and Me
[ Content Warning: This story references bullying and suicidal ideation. ] Once upon a time, many years ago, a boy was born. In most ways, this was entirely unremarkable. Boys are born all the time, and the boy’s family wasn’t unusual. It was a large family, but families were larger back then than they tend … Continue reading The Boy, the Man, and the Butterfly (a story)
Note: My therapist has been trying to get me to just sit with powerful emotions I'm feeling... stay with it as long as I can. Observe without making a judgement. I think that this is to move me away from automatic coping behaviors & start desensitizing me to the worst of them, without invalidating myself … Continue reading Therapy Journal – March 25
After last week's therapy session, I found myself stuck on an idea: That I don't, in fact, have BPD, but am just a self-indulgent, overgrown child. The 'evidence' that I compiled in support of this hypothesis includes: When I'm feeling down I will do things like eating sweets to the point of being ill. I … Continue reading I think there’s a frightened kid living in my head.
I started therapy last September, and soon afterward I started having images of myself as a mask with hollow eye sockets. It was 1983 the first time that I told someone that I felt hollow. This is not new. The difference is, I'm not shut down any longer. Being in therapy has started stripping off … Continue reading The Hollow Man.
Trigger warnings: Discussion of suicidal thinking and splitting. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I only got my diagnosis (DX) late last year, so I'm still learning about what Borderline Personality Disorder is. I'm very much aware that a person is not their diagnosis. I treat my DX as a chance to learn ways to … Continue reading I hate my brain (Life and the Fine Art of Learning Perspective)
When telling a story, it's always good to start at the beginning, right? But figuring out where the beginning is... is not always so easy. My BPD journey presumably began in my teens, but my school and home life in my teens was so disrupted that it's basically impossible to tease out what was caused … Continue reading DX – Old and New