Roxxy woke up one morning to discover that all of the paint in the world had gone mad. Really, it wasn't even just paint. Every color had shifted a few degrees to the left, so to speak. She first noticed the walls of her room, though, where the slightly off-white had changed to a light … Continue reading Colors (a SF story which in no way is meant to be an allegory*)
I mean... seriously. "Life is suffering." "Suffering can be overcome." That using tools like... the right understanding, the correct thoughts, the right speech, correct action, the right livelihood, correct effort, mindfulness, and concentration helps you overcome suffering. The idea that the word 'suffering' can also be translated as 'disordered thinking.' That the self is an … Continue reading The Buddha was a Borderline
Note: My therapist has been trying to get me to just sit with powerful emotions I'm feeling... stay with it as long as I can. Observe without making a judgement. I think that this is to move me away from automatic coping behaviors & start desensitizing me to the worst of them, without invalidating myself … Continue reading Therapy Journal – March 25
Another blogger (Tigerchelle at Borderline and Beyond) pointed me toward Dr. Fox's BPD videos on Twitter. I wish I'd known about this one months ago: "What's Next After a Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosis - Understanding and Helping" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygnuwulYLYI&t=371s
After last week's therapy session, I found myself stuck on an idea: That I don't, in fact, have BPD, but am just a self-indulgent, overgrown child. The 'evidence' that I compiled in support of this hypothesis includes: When I'm feeling down I will do things like eating sweets to the point of being ill. I … Continue reading I think there’s a frightened kid living in my head.
Last summer, a friend sent me a book* on how the rise of depression in modern society is likely related to a decline in deep personal relationships. The author did a lot of research, talking to experts in depression around the world, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Separately, a steady thread … Continue reading I need community. I don’t trust it.
I started therapy last September, and soon afterward I started having images of myself as a mask with hollow eye sockets. It was 1983 the first time that I told someone that I felt hollow. This is not new. The difference is, I'm not shut down any longer. Being in therapy has started stripping off … Continue reading The Hollow Man.
My therapist asked me how severe a particular depressive episode had been, and I started thinking about those pain scales they use in hospitals, and how I could adapt one to be useful for our conversations. This is mostly/kinda/sorta in jest, but who knows. Here's my first draft. The Moss Depression/Hypomania Scale -5: I'm in … Continue reading From Minus Five to Plus Five
I found an amazing bit in Jack Kornfield's book Meditation for Beginners that reads: Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened. [...] Forgiveness is also a matter of letting go of the past and knowing that even though something was wrong, the way to go forward is to start over. It is also important to … Continue reading Learning Forgiveness
Trigger warnings: Discussion of suicidal thinking and splitting. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I only got my diagnosis (DX) late last year, so I'm still learning about what Borderline Personality Disorder is. I'm very much aware that a person is not their diagnosis. I treat my DX as a chance to learn ways to … Continue reading I hate my brain (Life and the Fine Art of Learning Perspective)