After last week's therapy session, I found myself stuck on an idea: That I don't, in fact, have BPD, but am just a self-indulgent, overgrown child. The 'evidence' that I compiled in support of this hypothesis includes: When I'm feeling down I will do things like eating sweets to the point of being ill. I … Continue reading I think there’s a frightened kid living in my head.
Last summer, a friend sent me a book* on how the rise of depression in modern society is likely related to a decline in deep personal relationships. The author did a lot of research, talking to experts in depression around the world, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Separately, a steady thread … Continue reading I need community. I don’t trust it.
I started therapy last September, and soon afterward I started having images of myself as a mask with hollow eye sockets. It was 1983 the first time that I told someone that I felt hollow. This is not new. The difference is, I'm not shut down any longer. Being in therapy has started stripping off … Continue reading The Hollow Man.
My therapist asked me how severe a particular depressive episode had been, and I started thinking about those pain scales they use in hospitals, and how I could adapt one to be useful for our conversations. This is mostly/kinda/sorta in jest, but who knows. Here's my first draft. The Moss Depression/Hypomania Scale -5: I'm in … Continue reading From Minus Five to Plus Five
I found an amazing bit in Jack Kornfield's book Meditation for Beginners that reads: Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened. [...] Forgiveness is also a matter of letting go of the past and knowing that even though something was wrong, the way to go forward is to start over. It is also important to … Continue reading Learning Forgiveness
Trigger warnings: Discussion of suicidal thinking and splitting. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I only got my diagnosis (DX) late last year, so I'm still learning about what Borderline Personality Disorder is. I'm very much aware that a person is not their diagnosis. I treat my DX as a chance to learn ways to … Continue reading I hate my brain (Life and the Fine Art of Learning Perspective)
He who hesitates is lost, or so the aphorism goes. However, in the face of an overwhelming emotion or a frightening, threatening event, I’ve found that a slight hesitation can make the critical difference between doing something I regret and doing something skillful. For the last four years, I have been studying a martial art … Continue reading Hesitation
I have no idea why the idea of transformation keeps occurring to me. I’ve been thinking about it for at least a month. I’m very wary of such ideas. I saw an article today which jokingly referred to DBT as “Don’t Believe your Thoughts,” and the idea of transformation is one I am particularly skeptical … Continue reading Dreams of Transformation
When telling a story, it's always good to start at the beginning, right? But figuring out where the beginning is... is not always so easy. My BPD journey presumably began in my teens, but my school and home life in my teens was so disrupted that it's basically impossible to tease out what was caused … Continue reading DX – Old and New
How I ended up getting diagnosed twice with the same thing... almost 40 years apart.