After last week's therapy session, I found myself stuck on an idea: That I don't, in fact, have BPD, but am just a self-indulgent, overgrown child. The 'evidence' that I compiled in support of this hypothesis includes: When I'm feeling down I will do things like eating sweets to the point of being ill. I … Continue reading I think there’s a frightened kid living in my head.
Last summer, a friend sent me a book* on how the rise of depression in modern society is likely related to a decline in deep personal relationships. The author did a lot of research, talking to experts in depression around the world, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Separately, a steady thread … Continue reading I need community. I don’t trust it.
I started therapy last September, and soon afterward I started having images of myself as a mask with hollow eye sockets. It was 1983 the first time that I told someone that I felt hollow. This is not new. The difference is, I'm not shut down any longer. Being in therapy has started stripping off … Continue reading The Hollow Man.
My therapist asked me how severe a particular depressive episode had been, and I started thinking about those pain scales they use in hospitals, and how I could adapt one to be useful for our conversations. This is mostly/kinda/sorta in jest, but who knows. Here's my first draft. The Moss Depression/Hypomania Scale -5: I'm in … Continue reading From Minus Five to Plus Five
I found an amazing bit in Jack Kornfield's book Meditation for Beginners that reads: Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened. [...] Forgiveness is also a matter of letting go of the past and knowing that even though something was wrong, the way to go forward is to start over. It is also important to … Continue reading Learning Forgiveness
He who hesitates is lost, or so the aphorism goes. However, in the face of an overwhelming emotion or a frightening, threatening event, I’ve found that a slight hesitation can make the critical difference between doing something I regret and doing something skillful. For the last four years, I have been studying a martial art … Continue reading Hesitation
I have no idea why the idea of transformation keeps occurring to me. I’ve been thinking about it for at least a month. I’m very wary of such ideas. I saw an article today which jokingly referred to DBT as “Don’t Believe your Thoughts,” and the idea of transformation is one I am particularly skeptical … Continue reading Dreams of Transformation