About ‘Borderline Me’

Last night, I thought to myself “Hey, you should create an About Me page so people don’t think you’re offering, like, theraputic advice or something.” (Why I suspected anyone would think that, I leave to you to understand… I don’t). So I grabbed my therapy journal and started writing, and here is what I wrote, cross-outs and all:

About Page

This blog is not here to offer any advice. I’m not writing these posts to offer any advice to the world. I’m a person going through who is doing therapy for the first time. I have no insights for you or the world. Most days I count it a win if I get to work close to on-time. I’m just jotting down some thoughts to share with my therapist at our next session.

My version of Borderline Personality Disorder is not the same as yours, or that of your friend or family member with the diagnosis, and if I’m fortunate enough that my therapy ends up giving me some relief from the self-tormenting thoughts I’ve had for years, or even if it just helps me understand what’s going on, that will be wonderful, but I don’t think that have any idea if these random jottings can help anyone else.

If something I write sparks some helpful idea for…

And then it was time for supper and Westworld (which may be a series that’s just a bit too on-point for a guy with BPD to be watching, but…).

This morning I got up and got a cup of coffee and started thinking about this About page and my blog, and my inner dialog went something like this:

Jeez, man, you’ve got some nerve writing about BPD when it’s clear you’re not suffering as much as the people you’re reading about on Twitter and on these blogs. Your symptoms are like having a head cold and these other people have brain-eating amoeba. You’ve never cut yourself, you haven’t had a serious suicidal thought since 1979, you’ve got a good job. You’re just acting spoiled again, and no one wants to read you. Your therapist at least gets paid to listen to your drivel. Just stop with the…

Et cetera, etc. etc.

And then I realized that all of this sounded a lot like my symptoms, trying to tell me I’m not worthy of even opening my fucking mouth, of even writing down a few things.

So, instead of destroying my notes and skipping creating this page, I decided to write this meta version instead.

So, yeah, if you imagine I’m here to give other BPD sufferers (all of whom are authentic Borderlines, while I’m a fake [obviously!]) advice on how to get better, well… knock that shit off. My symptoms are mild, but like I’ve seen on Twitter a few times in the last week, this isn’t a symptom contest, where only those suffering the most have any validity. I’m happy that my symptoms aren’t bad. But they’re bad enough that I was emotionally shut down for years, only occasionally (usually during a sad movie), breaking through in crying fits.

So. Welcome to my BPD blog, I guess. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

3 thoughts on “About ‘Borderline Me’

  1. If someone, like myself, recognizes THEMSELVES in your writings,or any PART of themselves in your writings, Surely you are speaking to us! Not only are you helping yourself by blogging but there is at least one other person you are helping that Person being ME. There is no misunderstanding on my part that you believe yourself to be an expert on the subject or that you are suffering more or less than any other person. I believe in your process and that you need to continue writing and sharing! I do hope that other people discover your blog and become enthusiasts like myself.

  2. Hi, I eventually found your blog and this post, as I just had a name “moss” to go by….so wasn’t sure if you actually had a blog or not.

    May I say that…Just the way your mind is chaotic and your self critical judgements, throughout this, the feeling unworthy and all that, I would say there was a good chance you are an “authentic” Borderline….whatever that is anyway.

    Not all borderlines self harm, and not all feel suicidal ideation and whatever. There will be similarities though, and I certainly could find myself within your writing.

    As for advice, I guess I give some advice in my blog, however it’s not to say that’s necessarily the best or worst advice. It is just what I may think to be beneficial. That’s why when you messaged and said, ‘you were diagnosed last week’, I just passed you over to an expert.

    Everyone just shares what they think and feel on here, and each has a platform to do that. Everyone is learning as they go along. Picking up bits from others, and adding to their own experience or knowledge. Adding your voice out there is great because there is strength in numbers. But also, it helps others not feel so alone out there.

    Btw….have you seen the film “split”? Because it’s just the way you put “et..cetera”. If not, no worries, just curious!

    Sorry for this long comment!

    1. Michelle

      I’m sorry that you had to search for my blog. When I commented on yours, it asked for a link to my blog, which I included, so I thought that you would see it on there. I wonder why that didn’t work. Oh, well… next time I’ll know to include it directly.

      I love your long comment, so no apology needed.

      I’ve been in therapy since last September, and got my diagnosis in December, so I’ve been doing a ton of reading.

      Thanks for taking the time to find me and comment. ‘It does the heart good,’ as the old timers might have said.

      -Moss

Leave a Reply to Moss Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.